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  • Writer's pictureAneta

The Invisible Thief of your Success, Love and Pleasure: shame.

Updated: Dec 7, 2023


What is stealing your highest potential, love and blissful pleasures from you?




Shame.


Unprocessed shame acts as a barrier, hindering our connections with others and dampening our ability to embrace the joys of life.

Before I had entered the world of somatic science, and the sensual empowerment movement, I didn't know that unprocessed shame was stealing so much vibrant energy from my life. Yes, shame is a thief that will rob you of pleasure and turn experiences that could be written in your memory as the most beautiful and exciting ones, into your worst nightmares. The difference is that sometimes this nightmare lasts weeks, months or even years. It's a little bit too long, don't you think so?


This blog is your soft wake-up call and the first step on your healing journey. Are you excited?


Let's explore the transformative journey of shedding the suffocating grip shame has on us together.


But, Aneta, how do I know shame prevents me from deeper connections? Maybe it's something else? I'm glad you've asked! :)

This is a great question to start asking yourself; here is how you know:

:

  1. Self-criticism and negative self-talk: having an overly critical inner voice, or engaging in negative self-talk can be an indication of underlying shame. This self-deprecating behaviour often stems from a sense of unworthiness and can contribute to feelings of shame.

  2. Difficulty with vulnerability: If you find it challenging to be open and vulnerable with others, share your authentic emotions, or express your needs and desires, it might be a sign that unprocessed shame is present. Shame can make it difficult to trust others and fear being judged or rejected if you show your true self (that was a big one for me, and look here I am sharing and putting myself out there! You can do that, too!).

  3. Avoidance or hiding behaviour: When shame is stuck in the body, people may try to avoid situations or activities that trigger those feelings. They may also engage in behaviours aimed at hiding or concealing aspects of themselves, such as avoiding social interactions, withdrawing from relationships, or constantly seeking external validation.

  4. Low self-esteem and self-worth: Persistent feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, or feeling fundamentally flawed can indicate underlying shame. This can manifest as a general lack of self-confidence and a pervasive belief that you are inherently unworthy of love, acceptance, or pleasure.

  5. Repressed emotions and avoidance of discomfort: Unprocessed shame can lead to a tendency to suppress or avoid uncomfortable emotions. This can include avoiding difficult conversations, numbing emotions through substance use or other coping mechanisms, or compartmentalizing emotions to protect oneself from further shame or judgment.

  6. Perfectionism and fear of failure: Unprocessed shame can drive a constant need for perfection and an intense fear of failure. The fear of making mistakes or being seen as imperfect can stem from a deep-rooted sense of shame and the desire to avoid further judgment or shame-inducing experiences.





Shame through somatic lenses


Shame is something you can absolutely touch through your body.

We all experience it on some level.


As with any other emotion - it is a felt experience and therefore simply focusing on the way you think about your body, pleasure, intimacy and confidence will not work.


We can experience a lot of blissful emotions, but access to these can be difficult if you don't allow the ones you perceive as "negative" to be felt. There are no positive or negative emotions in somatics. Each emotion is simply a bodily sensation (with or without a story attached) serving as a well of deep wisdom that you can always drink from. Behind the shame, there is usually a difficult story.


Healthy shame feels like a hit, a rush, a vibration, or shakiness.

It flows freely through our bodies. If not, then it is contracted and held in place.


Contracted shame is the thief that steals all the beautiful experiences you could have had.


Because when you tell your brain "I don't want to feel shame, grief, anger, or whatever", it will cut you off from feeling all the yummy feelings like love, joy, and pleasure, too, and it will leave you disconnected from intimacy, pleasure, love, and even your greater purpose in the world. Your brain only gets the "I don't want to feel" part.


When you experience shame you might feel like a failure ready to collapse. You might feel unwelcomed, unheard like nobody sees you, and you might not feel enough. That voice isn't yours... It is simply the voice of unprocessed shame - and that's good news!


If we allow shame to move through our bodies then we start to have the capacity to experience more connection to self, each other, nature and emotions that we desire to experience more.



SHAME OF THE SHAME IS THE BIGGEST SHAME.

My story.


I used to feel a lot of shame for being "too feminine" so I shut those parts of me down.


It was never safe for me to be feminine.

And then I felt shame for feeling shame because I didn’t understand why I was experiencing so much discomfort & wanted to hide from the world... I wanted real intimacy but somehow it was not accessible to me. What’s wrong with me? I’d often ask myself not knowing that the voice behind this question wasn't mine.

I was longing for real authentic connections, while I was so disconnected from myself - living with a closed heart, being scared of real intimacy & wearing a mask of the nice girl with no boundaries.



HOW CONTRACTED SHAME MAKES YOU SELF-SABOTAGE IN RELATIONSHIPS?


You might think that you don't want a relationship when you have a deep desire for connection but you don't want to FEEL all the uncomfortable feelings that will inevitably be triggered by a close intimate relationship.


You might think that there is something wrong with you & pleasure is not accessible to you when it's just contracted shame blocking you from feeling it.


You might be afraid to speak your truth because of the fear of not being heard.



THE ANTIDOTE.

CHANGE YOUR FEARS INTO YOUR DESIRES.


Example: I want to be heard - change it to I want to say what I want. I want to express my ideas. I want to connect. I want to engage with people. Choose whatever you want and express your desire for the sake of your own experience.


You cannot make others listen to you, but you can want to express yourself fully.


You don't want to give your power away to others, you want to be in your power. You want to experience your desires even if they will not be met by others. Know that your wants come from the deepest intimacy with yourself.


Shame heals in the SAFE presence & connection to your body, others, and nature.

You can release it by:


ALLOWING - shame to run through your body with love & compassion while staying grounded in the body + doing the nervous system work on a regular basis (connection to your body).


BEING HELD - there is nothing more powerful than a trusted space holder: a friend, lover, or your coach witnessing you with love & compassion while you are letting go of old stories and expressing your shame (connection to others).


EMBODYING YOUR TRUE NATURE - by letting go of the old identity created by shame & embodying the person you truly are underneath the somatic blanket of shame (connection to nature).



How your life without shame would look like?


This is not some fairy tale you cannot live even though you might not believe it from where you stand right now (I've been there..).

If you are ready to start visioning your life overflowing with pleasure, meaningful connections, and a profound sense of empowerment, your journey to reclaiming your joy starts here - with a simple consultation call with me.

Experience Deeper Pleasure: Imagine shedding the weight of shame and fully embracing the pleasures life has to offer. Together, we'll explore the roots of your shame and create a roadmap to reclaiming your joy and savouring every moment of bliss. Forge Authentic Connections: Say goodbye to the barriers that shame has placed on your relationships. Through our consultation call, you'll discover the power of vulnerability and learn how to form genuine connections built on trust, understanding, and mutual acceptance. Embrace Your Empowered Self: Unprocessed shame can leave you feeling powerless, but it doesn't have to be that way. By working together, I will be there to empower you to release shame's grip, tap into your inner strength, and step confidently into a life that reflects your true worth and potential. Embody Self-Acceptance: Imagine the freedom that comes with embracing all aspects of yourself, flaws and all.


Don't let shame steal your light any longer. Together, we'll create a roadmap to unlock your true potential and help you embrace a life where pleasure, meaningful connections, and empowerment are your everyday reality. Mhhm, who wouldn't want that? I know, I did!

Get ready to step into a brighter, more fulfilling future. I can't wait to support you every step of the way! 💖



Will your new life start with this one click? :)





With love & devotion,


Aneta.



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